Thursday March 23, 2023

Artificial intelligence ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. More and more, I find that when I call business number, I get an automated voice that’s supposed to understand what I say almost as well as a real live human being.
But it can’t handle sarcasm. Or anger. And it can’t recognize humour. It certainly can’t crack a joke.
I find myself yearning for the good old days when people recorded their own messages for their answering machines.
These days, when I call someone, a generic male voice intones, “The number you have reached is not available.”
Huh? How can I have reached a number if it’s not available?
I call a different number, and the same voice gives me the same message. Is this guy sleeping around or something?
It would be nice to hear the voice of the person I’m calling. Even if it just said, “Hi, this is (Name). Leave me a message, and I’ll call you back.”
I have no confidence that the generic voice will call me back.

Imaginative recordings
Over the years, I’ve collected a few imaginative answering messages. A few of these may have been gleaned from the Internet.
• Hi. We picked up this answering machine at a yard sale, in ‘as-is’ condition. We’re not sure if it’s working. If you leave a message and we don’t return it, the machine wasn’t working.
• This is John’s refrigerator speaking. Please speak slowly and clearly, so that I can write down your message and stick it onto my door for him to see later.
• To speak to Tim, press one. To speak to Linda, press two. If you’ve called a wrong number, press three,. None of these buttons actually work, but they make us feel like we have a big-time phone system and it lets you work out your anger on something inanimate.
• This is the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. You can leave a message if you want, but we already know who you are and where you live.
• Hi there! I’m home right now but I can’t find where I left the phone. Please leave a massage, and I’ll call you back if I find it.
• I’m sorry, I can’t talk to you right now because I have age-related memory loss. You could help me by leaving a message telling me my name and who I am.
• This is not Pizza Pizza or Rosie’s Hair Salon. And no one named Pam lives here. If you’re not trying to reach any of them, leave a message.
• I’m home, but I’m not answering the phone because I’m trying to avoid someone. If I don’t call you back, it’s you.
But I know where my all-time favourite message came from. fellow editor Steve Roney, who likes being precise, recorded something like this message back in the 1980s: “I’m not here right now. Well, actually, I am here right now, but you’re not. And by the time you are here, I won’t be. So if you leave a message while you’re here, I’ll try to call you back when we can both be here at the same time.”
Although I think Steve might have made the original version even more complex…
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Copyright © 2023 by Jim Taylor. Non-profit use in congregations and study groups, and links from other blogs, welcomed; all other rights reserved.
To comment on this column, write jimt@quixotic.ca
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YOUR TURN

I owe the origins of last week’s column about making things easier for people who are hard of hearing to my friend Stella Majic, who provided the newspaper clipping that got me started.

Betty Turcott added another piece of advice: “The only tip I would add is....Use the mike when one is provided.” [JT: That is, don’t assume your voice is loud enough for everyone to hear without amplification.]
Betty went on, “While I am nervous about no more masks, at least I have a chance of understanding most people now. I remember saying in an informal church gathering that was running into the late twilight hours. ‘Please, can we have some light. If not, I won't be able to hear the conversation.’ Everyone laughed. But no one moved.”

Tom Watson: “Your tips for helping people with hearing loss remind us of the importance of ‘taking care’ of each other in a very real sense. As with all things, ‘being kind to each other’ is key to good relating.”

Mirza Yawar Baig noted the ways the language we use affects others: “In our present culture, we have found words to substitute the old words and soften the impact. We say, ‘hearing/sight/speech impaired’, instead of deaf, blind, mute. We say, ‘differently-abled’ instead of disabled. But our sensitivity to these disabilities has not changed. We remain as insensitive, maybe even less sensitive because now we have a word to take care of the harshness of the old word. Ask someone pontificating about ‘differently-abled’, how they would like to exchange their ability with the ‘differently-abled’. This is not something likely to get a nice response.
On the subject of differing abilities, Yawar added, “In some of my leadership courses, I do an exercise where I ask people to pair off and then give them blindfolds. The task is for one of them to be blindfolded and the other to be their eyes. For safety, I also tell them to hold each other’s hands and never let go. It is amazing how life-changing that simple task is for a lot of people. Suddenly they start noticing things instead of simply seeing them. They struggle to find words to describe what they are seeing, to their partner who can’t see those same things and eventually even the most eloquent and fluent of them are left with a sense of loss that they couldn’t truly share their experience with their partner because words can’t ever replace sight. That is a very positive experience for them because it teaches them to appreciate what they (and anyone who can read this) have i.e., eyesight.”

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Psalm paraphrase

This is a fairly long paraphrase of Psalm 45. For some reason, I have used it only once before. I think it’s worth reading over and over.

2 You are my dearest friend;
you are the brother and sister I never had.
I trust you.
Your instincts are sound;
your life is above reproach.
3 So stand tall and step out confidently.
4 You know what you stand for; you know what's right.
Have the courage to take a stand;
defend your values vigorously.
5 Your words will penetrate to the heart of the issue;
your actions will expose the false claims of your critics.
6 Then everyone will recognize your wisdom.
7 Because you refused to be swayed by opinion polls,
because you maintained your integrity,
you will find favor with both God and humans.

8 But beware.
9 The beautiful people and the media personalities will compete to call themselves your friends.
10 Do not be seduced by their charms;
do not forget where you have come from.
11 People in high places will flatter you;
they will ask for your advice.
How can you resist?
12 The wealthy will want to shower you with gifts.
How can you refuse?
13 The camp followers will cling to you;
with perfect teeth and plastic virtue they will try to seduce you.
14 How can you ignore them?

15 So hold tight to your principles when you enter the world
of the rich and the famous,
the powerful and the ruthless.
16 Keep your childlike innocence, and all you meet will become your children;
you will become a beloved grandfather to all.
17 Then you will richly deserve your reputation,
and people everywhere will recognize your wisdom.

Update – there are still about 60 copies of my book of psalm paraphrases in stock at Wood Lake Publishing. The book includes paraphrases of most of the psalms in the Revised Common Lectionary. So you can still order a print copy of Everyday Psalms from Wood Lake Publishing, info@woodlake.com, or 1-800-663-2775. But, I’m told, there will no further reprints. If you don’t already have a copy of Everyday Psalms, get one while they last.