Thursday June 16, 2022

It was not a typical breakfast conversation: But then, we weren’t a typical breakfast group. 

            For around 25 years, a group of guys -- who all worked for, with, or in Canadian churches -- have met at least once a year to talk. About almost anything. 

            We haven’t solved any of the world’s problems. But we’ve had a good time not solving them.

            And so, on this particular morning, we found ourselves wondering about the difference between guilt and shame.

            They’re not the same.

            Guilt is a about facts. You did, or you did not, do something unacceptable. Shame is about emotions.

            Guilt relates to an individual. Who lied or cheated, or beat somebody up, or committed a murder. But rarely to a group. Which is why you never see an entire corporation in court for its criminal acts. Key individuals, yes, but not the whole collective body – management, labour, and shareholders.

            Shame, on the other hand, is more likely to be collective. A whole group feels shame, because of the actions of some of its individuals. Witness Pope Francis’s apology to indigenous peoples.

            In certain cultures, an individual may feel pride -- not guilt -- for committing a murder. The killing restores the tribe’s honour, for an act that brought shame to his family, his clan, his tribe. 

Two models

            Our Canadian society works, mostly, on a guilt/innocence model, which focusses on the individual. Much of the rest of the world works on an honour/shame model, which focusses on the larger group. 

            As a result, we have trouble understanding them; they have trouble understanding us.

            You may recall a case, a decade ago, in which a father drowned his first wife and daughters in the Rideau Canal. They had broken the old moral codes. They wore lipstick and perfume. They dated outsiders. 

            The media labelled it an “honour killing.” By their behaviour, the father believed, his daughters had brought shame to his family and his traditions. 

            The father was found guilty. Imprisoned. But he was not ashamed. 

            Most of the Bible is based on that honour/shame model. 

            The sons of Jacob slaughtered an entire local tribe (Genesis 34) because one of that tribe’s leaders had defiled their sister Dinah by raping her. 

            King David’s wife Michal refused to have sex with him (2 Samuel 6) for the rest of her life, because he had danced so exuberantly in the streets that the common people saw his genitals. She felt disgraced. 

            The difference between guilt and shame becomes relevant in our time, in the troubled relationship between white settlers and indigenous peoples. “We” – that is, people like me – took their land. Incarcerated their children. Tried to wipe out their language, their customs, their culture. 

            As one of our table group said, “I don’t feel any guilt for the actions of early colonizers. I wasn’t there. I had nothing to do with it.”

            Then he added, “But I am ashamed of a cultural mindset that saw nothing wrong with what they were doing.”

            Finger pointing at the guilty persons of long ago won’t change anything today. Nor will removing their names from schools, or toppling their statues.

            But if enough people feel ashamed of the system we still benefit from, we might change things..

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Copyright © 2022 by Jim Taylor. Non-profit use in congregations and study groups, and links from other blogs, welcomed; all other rights reserved.

                  To comment on this column, write jimt@quixotic.ca

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YOUR TURN

Something in last week’s column about music recitals struck a chord (pun intended) with you. 

            Kim MacMillan: wrote, “I love your last paragraph. I hope I will remember it.”

            And Isabel Gibson simply commented, “Ooh.  I like that concept/metaphor.”

Tom Watson shared his own experience: “For the past 15 years or so, I have had the privilege of emceeing the Kiwanis Music Festival concerts. I have feelings similar to yours about the young people who perform in the highlights concert. Some 8 or 9 are chosen from among 500 entrants to perform in that final concert. Some amazing talent. All will go on to simply enjoy playing music the rest of their lives; others, a few, will excel and become masters at their craft. But no matter how it works out, all will bring much enjoyment to others, and to themselves, for the rest of their lives.”

When asked, “Do you play an instrument?’ Clare Neufeld often quips, “I can hardly play the radio well!”

            He goes on, “My spouse taught up to 100 students, (ages 3-39), per year, when our children were young. She insisted that she would teach the kind of music making which would/could nurture their interests and enjoyment for life -- whether that meant Conservatory or other.  

            “Now, in retirement, during Covid, she was asked to teach our youngest granddaughters, virtually, by FaceTime, which she enjoys greatly. 

            “Parental reports suggest that the girls also enjoy this one-on-one with their nana, and occasionally papa also gets to say ‘hello’, or ‘goodbye’, as circumstances allow. They also seem to be more motivated to practice regularly. 

            “No recitals, (nana hated putting children through recitals, recalling her own distaste, for them, as a child) — except as initiated by the grandchildren, when they wish to ‘show & tell’ or ‘strut their stuff’, usually when visiting in person, and they tend to incorporate nana’s skills into their program, with duets, etc. 

            “It is lovely to see creativity and skills developing, which has the potential for nurturing joy in their lives, in future.”

And a writer identified only as Devon wrote, “I loved your essay.  It spoke to me in many ways, as I just retired from 45 years of teaching individual piano lessons@Temple Music Prep, a division of Temple University Boyer College of Music.  I had many students, ranging in age from 4 to 89, from total beginners to accomplished musicians.  It was a wonderful experience and challenge, as each student was unique in ability and in response to me.  

            “That being said, there still were a couple of universal ideas I would share with them all about performance.  The first was that when you make a mistake, it is now history and in the past.  It cannot be changed, so move on and concentrate on the present, which is what you are now playing.  Also, mistakes are less important than expressing to the best of your ability the composer’s intentions.  Music must come alive from the page.  And the best playing you will do will be when you are totally focused on the music, without any distraction. 

            “By the way, this is easier said than done, as I can attest, as I also perform!”

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Psalm paraphrase

As far as I can tell, I have never used this paraphrase of Psalm 42. For some reason, it seems to fit today’s world. 

1          As a long-distance swimmer struggles towards land, so I struggle towards you, Lord. 

2          I am in danger of drowning. 
My feet long to touch solid ground again.

3          I seem to have been in deep water forever. 
Below me the black depths wait pitilessly. 

4          In the darkness, I drift off into dreams. 
I remember the crowds cheering me on; 
I thought, if it feels good, it must be right. 

5          If it was right, why does my stomach churn? 
Why am I so depressed? 

6          When I feel most hopeless, I turn to you, God. 
Though I am tossed by waves I cannot see, 
I sense your presence with me through the night. 
If this was right, then it is still right, and you are still with me.

7          Even the surf that breaks over me is your creation; 
the winds and the currents all do your will.

8          When skies cloud over, though I cannot see the stars, 
I know that they are there. 
Though I cannot see you, I know that you are there too. 

10        In the gloom, doubts torment me. 
"You believe in God?" they echo in the emptiness of my mind. 
"Then why doesn't God rescue you?" they ask.
"Why won't God make it easy for you?" 

11        But why am I downcast? Why am I disturbed? 
If God is with me, who can be against me? 
So I keep my faith; 
and I struggle on. 

You can find paraphrases of most of the psalms in the Revised Common Lectionary in my book Everyday Psalmsavailable from Wood Lake Publishing, info@woodlake.com.

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TECHNICAL STUFF

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PROMOTION STUFF

To use the links in this section, you’ll have to insert the necessary symbols. Some spam filters have blocked my posts because they’re suspicious of some of the web links.

                  Wayne Irwin's “Churchweb Canada,” an inexpensive service for any congregation wanting to develop a web presence, with free consultation. http://wwwDOTchurchwebcanadaDOTca He’s also relatively inexpensive!

                  I recommend Isabel Gibson’s thoughtful and well-written blog, wwwDOTtraditionaliconoclastDOTcom. She also has lots of beautiful photos. Especially of birds.

                  Tom Watson writes a weekly blog called “The View from Grandpa Tom’s Balcony” -- ruminations on various subjects, and feedback from Tom’s readers. Write him at tomwatsoATgmailDOTcom (NB that’s “watso” not “watson”)

ALVA WOOD’S ARCHIVE

                  I have acquired (don’t ask how) the complete archive of the late Alva Wood’s collection of satiric and sometimes wildly funny columns about a mythical village’s misadventures. I’ve put them on my website: http://quixotic.ca/Alva-Wood-Archive. You’re welcome to browse. No charge. (Although maybe if I charged a fee, more people would find the archive worth visiting.)