Thursday March 3, 2022

Dear Mr. Amazon Prime,

            Thank you so much for looking after the best interests of your customers. The other morning, before I was even out of bed, one of your Customer Service Representatives called to inform me that they had detected suspicious activity on one of my credit cards. 

            Someone in Dayton Ohio had used my credit card to make a purchase of $197.33.

            I asked her to wait a minute, while I checked my wallet. Both of my credit cards were safely there. But when I got back to the phone, she had hung up on me.

            That wasn’t very courteous of her. 

            But it didn’t matter because she called again, about an hour later, to tell me that another identical transaction had occurred. I asked her to tell me what I had supposedly purchased, in case my memory had let me down again. 

            She didn’t listen. 

            The third time she called, I wondered if she was calling about the same transaction three times, or about three separate transactions for exactly the same price. If so, it seemed to me, whoever was using my credit card fraudulently must be stocking up on something imported. Like, say, jalapeno peppers from Mexico. Or ice cubes from Canada. Just in case border blockades went on for a very long time. 

            But I remember thinking that three times $197.33 would buy a great many jalapeno peppers. 

No French option?

            This time, she advised me that if I had not made this purchase, I should “Press One” to speak to another Customer Service Representative. (I could hear the Capital Letters in her voice.)

            There’s something wrong here., I thought. In Canada, everyone has a constitutional right to communicate in either of our two official languages, English and French. Shouldn’t your Customer Service Representatives offer a “Press Two” option, to discuss this matter with a Francophone Representative?

            But then I thought, maybe in Dayton Ohio they don’t speak either English or French. Only Amurrican. 

            By the third call, though, I realized that I was getting exactly the same message each time. She even stumbled over the same words in her script. So it must be a recording. 

            And I wondered why you would want to use a recording to send an individual message to a single specific individual. 

            Or were there hundreds, maybe thousands, whose credit cards were ALL charged $197.33. That’s a large-scale crime. Mr. Prime. You’re getting ripped off. 

Marketing Spam

            My granddaughter tells me I received a “spam” call. I can see how grocery carts loaded with canned meat could quickly add up to $197.33. But I couldn’t imagine why people would want to live for months on Spam.

            But I guess if Americans invented Spam, they must feel patriotic eating lots of it.

            I still wonder why you prefer to have your Customer Service Representatives record their message, instead of talking directly to customers. Do you not trust them to use their own words? 

            Excuse me, the phone’s ringing again. If it’s another of your Customer Service Representatives, Mr. Prime, I shall ask her to deliver my letter to you. 

            Now that we’re getting to know each other better, may I just call you “Amazon?”

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Copyright © 2022 by Jim Taylor. Non-profit use in congregations and study groups, and links from other blogs, welcomed; all other rights reserved.

                  To comment on this column, write jimt@quixotic.ca

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YOUR TURN

I must be losing my touch – after last week’s column on how our prejudices may be hidden from us, I got only three letters. 

Tom Watson wrote, “You have just underlined what Jody Wilson-Raybould says at one point in her book Indian in the Cabinet: Speaking Truth to Power. ‘There has always been a direct connection between silence and injustice. Silence in the face of injustice is a self-interested form of cowardice’.”

Janie Wallbrown offered support: “I do believe you are correct!”

Steve Roney didn’t share Janie’s enthusiasm: “I think you are wrong to say that only the victim of prejudice can recognize it. Prejudice is a thought. We cannot read minds. The victim can never know; only the perpetrator can.

            “You are right that the perpetrator may not believe he is prejudiced. Prejudice is a formal logical fallacy; people make logical errors all the time.

            “But so do the supposed victims of prejudice. Hans Christian Andersen illustrated to the problem in his parable of the Princess and the Pea. Those who have been privileged, if they face the slightest hardship, will think it an injustice, and raise a loud lament. Those who are discriminated against are more likely to have become conditioned to their lot, or not dare to complain.

            “Accordingly, we cannot accept the judgement of the person claiming to have been discriminated against. We need evidence clear to an outside party.”

Incidentally, right after today’s column was printed in the local weekly newspaper, I got four – four! – robocalls within an hour from Amazon Prime about some suspected fraudulent use of my credit card. Could this be a form of retaliation?

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Psalm paraphrase

March is a season for wet and cold. That’s what I was thinking of when I wrote this paraphrase of Psalm 91.

9          Let your faith be your umbrella;
Live your life under God's protection.

10        No rain clouds will ruin your picnic;
nor will thunderstorms drown your fondest desires. 

11        The spirit of God will surround you like a shimmering bubble.
It will deflect the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune;

12        It will smooth your passage over speed-bumps and potholes.

13        Neither wind nor sleet nor hail nor snow--
nor stress nor illness nor peer pressures--
shall keep you from growing closer and closer to God. 

14        For God says: "Because you trusted me,
I will give you more cause to trust;
Because you knew me enough to ask for help,
I will help you. 

15        When you call, I will answer you.
When you fall down, I will pick you up.

16        I will accompany you through a long life;
I will never leave you lonely and afraid."

You can find paraphrases of most of the psalms in the Revised Common Lectionary in my book Everyday Psalmsavailable from Wood Lake Publishing, info@woodlake.com.

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TECHNICAL STUFF

If you want to comment on something, send a message directly to me, jimt@quixotic.ca.

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                  And for those of you who like poetry, please check my webpage .https://quixotic.ca/My-Poetry I posted several new poetic works there a few weeks ago. If you’d like to receive notifications about new poems, write me at jimt@quixotic.ca, or subscribe yourself to the list by sending a blank email (no message) to poetry-subscribe@lists.quixotic.ca (If it doesn’t work, please let me know.)

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PROMOTION STUFF

To use the links in this section, you’ll have to insert the necessary symbols. Some spam filters have blocked my posts because they’re suspicious of some of the web links.

                  Wayne Irwin's “Churchweb Canada,” an inexpensive service for any congregation wanting to develop a web presence, with free consultation. http://wwwDOTchurchwebcanadaDOTca He’s also relatively inexpensive!

                  I recommend Isabel Gibson’s thoughtful and well-written blog, wwwDOTtraditionaliconoclastDOTcom. She also has lots of beautiful photos. Especially of birds.

                  Tom Watson writes a weekly blog called “The View from Grandpa Tom’s Balcony” -- ruminations on various subjects, and feedback from Tom’s readers. Write him at tomwatsoATgmailDOTcom (NB that’s “watso” not “watson”)

ALVA WOOD’S ARCHIVE

                  I have acquired (don’t ask how) the complete archive of the late Alva Wood’s collection of satiric and sometimes wildly funny columns about a mythical village’s misadventures. I’ve put them on my website: http://quixotic.ca/Alva-Wood-Archive. You’re welcome to browse. No charge. (Although maybe if I charged a fee, more people would find the archive worth visiting.)