“Confession is good for the soul,” King David wrote in a psalm some 3000 years ago. If he’s right, I should confess that I am not good at maintaining friendships. 

            About 700 years after David, Greek philosopher Aristotle defined three kinds of friendships: 

·      friendships of utility: the people you’re thrown together with

·      friendships of pleasure: the people you do fun things with 

·      friendships of the good: the people you feel a life bond with 

            “In a friendship of the good, you value who that friend actually is, strengths and weaknesses alike, and there is sufficient trust between the two that the relationship’s quality and depth outshine those of other types of friendship,” explained Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, in Psychology Today.

            Other authors describe “friendship of the good” as a soul-to-soul relationship. It does not depend on necessity, regular contact, or shared enthusiasms. Because all of those can change. 

            And do. You change jobs, or neighbourhoods, and the old ties no longer bind. You meet; you’re glad to make contact again. But your paths have diverged. It’s just not the same anymore. 

            They were friendships of utility, to use Aristotle’s classification. 

            Of all the people I have worked with over 60 years, very few friendships have continued. And, I admit regretfully, keeping in touch happened more often at the other person’s initiative than mine. 

Shallow roots

            Aristotle’s second category, friendships of pleasure, tend to involve sports or community activities. Especially church. Events kept us together: weekly games or activities, monthly committee meetings, periodic work parties. Scouts, every Tuesday evening. Choir, every Thursday. Skiing every winter, or hiking every summer. You get close to these friends. You feel you’ll be friends for life. 

            And then your marriage breaks, your partner dies, your kids move away. Or, in our current context, Covid-19 restrictions make it impossible to do things you used to do together. People retreat into their personal bubbles.

            If and when Covid isolation ends, will friendships pick up where they left off? How many friendships will prove to have shallow roots? 

Biblical examples

            In the Bible, I find only two instances of come-hell-or-high-water friendships. 

            David and Jonathan were more than buddies. Jonathan risked the royal wrath of his father King Saul by befriending David. 

            Ruth and Naomi seem also to have been more than mother and daughter-in-law. Ruth could have abandoned Naomi and returned to her own people. But the two stuck together, and eventually Ruth became David’s great-grandmother. 

            The other instances commonly cited aren’t as clearly “friendships of the good.” Elijah and Elisha were mentor and pupil. Moses and Aaron, Mary and Elizabeth, Abraham and Lot, all had family ties. 

            Paul built friendships with his missionary companions Barnabas, Timothy, and Mark. But he also quarrelled and split angrily with them. 

            King Herod valued his conversations with John the Baptist. But it’s hard to call it friendship when one of you is chained to the wall.

            Long after Aristotle, another philosopher, a Scot named John Macmurray, called friendship the “kingdom of God” experience that Jesus talked about – something we already have, but that can occur unexpectedly. The only human context that fits that description, Macmurray suggested, was friendship. 

            If Macmurray’s right, our protective bubbles may limit opportunities to experience that “kingdom of God.” 

            Is there a friendship you could strengthen by reaching beyond your bubble?

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Copyright © 2020 by Jim Taylor. Non-profit use in congregations and study groups, and links from other blogs, welcomed; all other rights reserved.

                  To comment on this column, write jimt@quixotic.ca

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YOUR TURN

Cliff Boldt called last week’s column, on learning through osmosis, “a challenging article.” He wrote: “I agree that attitudes and values are taken in through a process no one clearly understands.  I am reminded of Mark Twain’s comment:  ‘It is easier to fool someone than it is to convince them they have been fooled.’

            “Many of my earlier biases have been eroded by time and experience. But I have come to expect and hope that God isn’t finished with me yet.”

Gloria Jorgenson tackled the issue of un-learning: “Your last line makes the assertion that you can't unlearn something that was learned by osmosis. Parents and their offspring are often at odds about things learned in their upbringing. Children can't wait to reject their parents old-fashioned ideas and do things differently. This can apply to religion, morals, career, or almost anything you can name.”

[JT note: I didn’t intend to say that you couldn’t un-learn something absorbed by osmosis – only that you couldn’t un-learn it by rational argument. Sorry about the lack of clarity.]

Isabel Gibson wrote, “Osmotic learning is yet another reason to connect with and to people -- especially people unlike us, on whichever dimension. Because they offer us new learnings.”

Rich Hendricks added another layer: “I agree about osmosis, but you neglected the good news: people can and sometimes do change. It is why I do what I do.”

Tom Watson wondered, “Does learning by osmosis apply to music? Some people can sing in harmony without difficulty while others...well, it's challenging if not impossible. Some people have a good sense of time and rhythm while others just don't.”

Bob Rollwagen: “I am amazed at how much knowledge is out there for free osmotic transfer but never gets picked up. To learn, you have to stop, listen, watch, and be open to learn. I agree that these are aspects of a loving relationship, with a spouse, with a father or mother, with trusted colleagues. It is my belief that learning relationships seem to last the longest because of osmosis that has an accepting and trusting filter.”

            I had started that column with some gardening examples. Bob ended with gardening: “We are digging potatoes now. Just canned twenty jars of cucumber with dill and fresh garlic from the garden and we made thirty jars of Black Currant jam.” 

A few letters are still arriving with comments about our scattering of Joan’s ashes. I won’t print them, but thank you for them anyway.

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Psalm paraphrase

Psalm 133 speaks of pouring oil on people's heads. We don’t do that anymore. (Indeed, in these Covid-19 times, we don’t gather much anymore either.) But the image of a gathered people, of good things overflowing, still has meaning. 

1          How good it feels to have the human family 
gathered together for this feast. 

2          Here we rejoice in the rich repast 
of fruit and tree and vine. 
Apples and oranges, grapes and cherries,
yield their joyous juices to our lusting mouths. 
Drops of overflowing pleasure trickle down our chins. 
We dab them un-selfconsciously with rumpled napkins.

3          This gathering refreshes like sweet morning in the mountains, 
like a prairie sky polished bright by gentle breezes. 
Surely this is what God intended 
when God invented community.

You can find paraphrases of most of the psalms in the Revised Common Lectionary in my book Everyday Psalmsavailable from Wood Lake Publishing, info@woodlake.com.

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TECHNICAL STUFF

If you want to comment on something, send a message directly to me, jimt@quixotic.ca.

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                  I write a second column each Sunday called Sharp Edges, which tends to be somewhat more cutting about social and justice issues. To sign up for Sharp Edges, write to me directly, jimt@quixotic.ca, or send a note to sharpedges-subscribe@lists.quixotic.ca

                  And for those of you who like poetry, please check my webpage .https://quixotic.ca/My-Poetry I posted some new poetic works there a few weeks ago. If you’d like to receive notifications about new poems, write me at jimt@quixotic.ca, or subscribe yourself to the list by sending a blank email (no message) to poetry-subscribe@lists.quixotic.ca (If it doesn’t work, please let me know.)

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PROMOTION STUFF

To use the links in this section, you’ll have to insert the necessary symbols. Some spam filters have blocked my posts because they’re suspicious of some of the web links.

                  Wayne Irwin's “Churchweb Canada,” an inexpensive service for any congregation wanting to develop a web presence, with free consultation. http://wwwDOTchurchwebcanadaDOTca He’s also relatively inexpensive!

                  I recommend Isabel Gibson’s thoughtful and well-written blog, wwwDOTtraditionaliconoclastDOTcom. She also has lots of beautiful photos. Especially of birds.

                  Tom Watson writes a weekly blog called “The View from Grandpa Tom’s Balcony” -- ruminations on various subjects, and feedback from Tom’s readers. Write him at tomwatsoATgmailDOTcom (NB that’s “watso” not “watson”)

ALVA WOOD’S ARCHIVE

                  I have acquired (don’t ask how) the complete archive of the late Alva Wood’s collection of satiric and sometimes wildly funny columns about a mythical village’s misadventures. I’ve put them on my website: http://quixotic.ca/Alva-Wood-Archive. You’re welcome to browse. No charge. (Although maybe if I charged a fee, more people would find the archive worth visiting.)