I tried to pray about a controversy over sex education in our schools -- what should be taught, and how. 

            A heavenly voice answered: “Thank you for your prayer. All our angels are presently busy dealing with other customers. Please stay on line and an angel will be with you shortly.”

            Some harps played mood music. 

            “Your continued devotion is very important to us. Please note that your prayer may be recorded for training and/or monitoring purposes.”

            I prepared my church membership papers, my baptismal certificate, my password (“Jesus,” of course) and my Personal Identification Number (666, of course) just in case they asked for authentication. 

            “Please choose the deity to whom you wish to speak. For Allah, press 1. For Vishnu or Shiva, press 2. For the Holy Trinity, press 3. For a feng shui consultant, press 4.”

            I thought my own God would be best.

            “For service in English, press 1. For service in Latin, press 2. For service in any other language, press 3 and wait for a Google translator to assist you.”

            I chose English.

            “King James thanks thee for thine loyalty. To speak to a confessor about sins thou mayest have committed by thought, word, and deed against thy Father Almighty’s divine majesty, press 1. To confess sins committed against another human, press 2. To confess sins of omission, press 3. 

            “If you need a spiritual advisor to decide which sins are which, press 4.”

            I chose the spiritual advisor. 

            “For a lecture by a professor of biblical studies on the authority of the Bible and the complexities of translation into differing cultural metaphors, press 1. To learn from a linguist about the accuracy of oral histories, press 2. To take a virtual tour of a monastic scriptorium where bored monks endlessly copy pages of the Bible by hand, press 3. To participate in a session of the Jesus Seminar and cast your vote on what Jesus did or did not actually say, press 4. 

            “For all other options, press 5.”

            Any other option seemed preferable.

            “To discuss original sin with St. Augustine, press 1. To protest St. Francis’s subconscious pantheism, press 2. To argue with Thomas Acquinas, press 3. To refute Martin Luther’s theses, press 95. To debate nihilism with Fred Nietzsche, press 0. 

            “To challenge Bishop Spong’s post-modern theology, strike any key as hard as you like.” 

            My keyboard broke. 

            “That was an invalid response,” the voice scolded. It continued: “To report a sexual indiscretion by the leader of an evangelical megachurch, press 1. To protest a patriarchal bias expressed by the Pope, press 2. To report inappropriate hugging by a Sunday School teacher, press 3.”

            I tried to remember the number for the Holy-of-Holies. It must be one more than the perfect number seven, I thought.

            “Hitting 888 will not fast track your handling,” the voice admonished. “May we suggest that you enter your prayer on-line using our self-service website?”

            I checked Heaven.comto see if Jesus had condemned abortion, evolution, sexual orientation, genetics, and a godless creation 14-billion years ago. Totally blank. Not a word. But the webpages dealing with Jesus’ views on unscrupulous and unethical business dealings and abuse of power scrolled on and on.

            That was all the answer I needed for my prayer.

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Copyright © 2018 by Jim Taylor. Non-profit use in congregations and study groups, and links from other blogs, welcomed; all other rights reserved.

                  To comment on this column, write jimt@quixotic.ca

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YOUR TURN

Last week’s column, on what constitutes community, seems to have hit a few nails on the head – both pro and con. 

Tom Watson said he loved my closing sentence: "In a true community, we hand ourselves over the same way. Without fear of being damaged or broken by careless hands."

            In response, Tom wrote, “I heard Alastair Summerlee, former President of the University of Guelph, talk about his trek across the Kalahari Desert. He and two other foreign visitors, both in their 30s, accompanied by a native San guide, walked 450 kilometers from the Okavango Delta to the cropland of central Botswana. During their trek, these heretofore total strangers grew to trust one another, support and help one another. They didn't talk much during the day but come sundown there was nothing else to do but talk -- sharing at a deep level, really getting to know what made each tick.

            “Maybe, instead of concentrating on our political differences, our desire to do better economically than others, and on other things that in the final analysis mean no more than a handful of bull fluff, we should accompany each other on some kind of journey where we really have to trust one another. We might just find out that we're not that much different when we scratch beneath the surface.”

            JT: I would add that it doesn’t have to be a geographic journey. An emotional or spiritual journey would also qualify. 

Isabel Gibson picked up the active side of community: “Thanks for putting my experience into words. I don't get to know people by talking to them, or having dinner with them. I get to know them by working on something with them. And ‘on what’ hardly matters.”

Don Sandin shared Tom Watson’s experience of loss: “Profound piece. There is also community in death. Remembering Tom losing his wife last October, and then informing you both that my wife of 68 years died quite suddenly three weeks ago. The cards, telephone calls, food, money came from friends, neighbors, family and church members. All from so many disciplines sharing my grief, sadness, and loss. 

            “I have performed many services for people who died, have lost best friends and seen many family members die. But none of those can compare to the loss of your mate. The many who have shared with me have given me a true sense of community.

            “I conducted my first funeral in 1950. The funeral director gave me $15 for doing it. That was the only time I have ever accepted any money for conducting services at the time of a death. How could I accept money for being pastoral at one of the most horrendous times in people’s lives? I considered that to be part of my sacred  contract with God and community.”

Rachel Prichard, however, took “great exception” to my comments about church services -- especially Eucharists: ‘But there’s no interaction with each other’. 

            “As a practising Anglican,” Rachel wrote, “I would like to tell you [that] the whole service is a communal act of worship, confession, thanksgiving and supplication, and is central to being an Anglican. You only have to read through the service and count how often we say ‘we’ and ‘our’ -- I don't think the word ‘I’ exists in the whole service. The whole point of it is to come together and share everything including the meal of bread and wine. It is impossible not to feel the communion with each other on a Sunday morning and I feel un-fed if I miss it. I have been blessed to be a part of several loving church communities in my life and need this community like I need my biological family.

            “Having said that, the outreach work, fellowship, and Bible studies we share enhance the community feeling. But it starts with Communion service on a Sunday morning.”

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PSALM PARAPHRASE

The NRSV calls Psalm 45 an “Ode for a Royal Wedding.” Indeed, the whole thing, verses 1-17, does read as a tribute to a royal person entering a new phase of life. But when I read the excerpt scheduled by the lectionary for this coming Sunday, it feels more like sucking up to the corporate CEO. 

1          Thank you for taking time to see me.

2          I know you have much more important things to deal with, for you move in circles that are far beyond me.

6          This is a marvelous office you have here.

The view over the city is spectacular.

It makes all the other corporate towers look insignificant.

7          You make the rules we must follow;

You brook no exceptions; You don’t bend them for anybody.

8          Your business suits must be hand-tailored, they fit you so well.

Is your after-shave custom-made for you too?

9          And your secretary is stunning! Oh, and competent too. 

She must be a joy to work with. 

I would like to be more like you. 

For paraphrases of mostof the psalms used by the Revised Common Lectionary, you can order my book Everyday Psalmsfrom Wood Lake Publishing, info@woodlake.com.

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TECHNICAL STUFF

If you want to comment on something, send a message directly to me, jimt@quixotic.ca.

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                  I write a second column each Sunday called Sharp Edges, which tends to be somewhat more cutting about social and justice issues. To sign up for Sharp Edges, write to me directly, jimt@quixotic.ca, or send a note to sharpedges-subscribe@lists.quixotic.ca

                  And for those of you who like poetry, I’ve started a webpage http://quixotic.ca/My-Poetrywhere I post (occasionally, when I feel inspired) poems that I have written. If you’d like to receive notifications about new poems, write me at jimt@quixotic.ca,  or subscribe yourself to the list by sending a blankemail(no message) to poetry-subscribe@lists.quixotic.ca(If it doesn’t work, please let me know.)

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PROMOTION STUFF

To use the links in this section, you’ll have to insert the necessary symbols. Some spam filters have been blocking my posts because they’re suspicious of too many links.

                  Ralph Milton’s latest project is a kind of Festival of Faith, a retelling of key biblical stories by skilled storytellers like Linnea Good and Donald Schmidt, designed to get people talking about their own faith experience. It’s a series of videos available on Youtube. I suggest you start with his introductory section: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u6qRclYAa8

                  Ralph’s “Sing Hallelujah” -- the world’s first video hymnal -- is still available. It consists of 100 popular hymns, both new and old, on five DVDs that can be played using a standard DVD player and TV screen, for use in congregations who lack skilled musicians to play piano or organ. More details at wwwDOTsinghallelujahDOTca

                  Wayne Irwin's “Churchweb Canada,”an inexpensive service for any congregation wanting to develop a web presence, with free consultation. <http://wwwDOTchurchwebcanadaDOTca>

                  I recommend Isabel Gibson’s thoughtful and well-written blog, wwwDOTtraditionaliconoclastDOTcom

                  Alva Wood’s satiric stories about incompetent bureaucrats and prejudiced attitudes in a small town -- not particularly religious, but fun; alvawoodATgmailDOTcom to get onto her mailing list.

                  Tom Watson writes a weekly blog called “The View from Grandpa Tom’s Balcony”-- ruminations on various subjects, and feedback from Tom’sreaders. Write him at tomwatsoATgmailDOTcom or twatsonATsentexDOTnet